I am filled with a mix of gratitude and grief this morning as I eagerly slurp my morning coffee out of this heavy, giant mug. I received a care box from my best friend yesterday. I could feel the care and love with which it was wrapped as I opened it…in typical fashion, even the mailing label was blinged out with hearts.

My heart has been grieving for my friend these past few weeks as I have watched her struggle with so much from so far way. She tries so hard to keep going every day, to do all the things to make it better, and still…something unseen and undiagnosed is causing her pain and the list of things to try gets smaller each day. And I cannot do anything tangible to help, other than praying and texting stupid memes with the hope she will feel how much I care about her.

And still…amidst this Job-like suffering, she still managed to shop for this mug and care for ME. I ugly cried so hard when I opened this. Puns aside, gifts are not my love language and yet…she always manages to break me open with her ninja gift giving skills.

As an adult, I never allowed myself the luxury of spending time cultivating a best friend relationship. My fears always outweighed the benefits. That voice…some of it may sound familiar…

They don’t REALLY like me.

They just want something.

They’re just going to get mad at me.

They won’t understand me.

They won’t be able to handle my big feelings.

I have to be careful or I will break it.

I won’t be able to fix it.

AND THE BIGGEST ONE OF ALL…They are just going to leave anyway. Don’t get too close.

But one day, the Universe sent me HER. Other than selling Scentsy, we didn’t appear to have much in common. She was a super confident extroverted go-getter and she honestly intimidated the heck out of me. But we found ourselves having real conversations over time, those life giving ones. The ones that start by saying you’re doing fine, but lead into deeper questions about what is really going on beneath the surface.

I was careful with her for a long time…secretly worried I was going to do something to mess it up. Doubting myself. Doubting I could figure out how to remain close without the need to push her away. And I was absolutely positive I didn’t deserve her.

And then one day, that fear went away…and I was able to receive the gift of real friendship. She taught me how to accept that and lean in. How to accept encouragement. How to speak kindly to myself. How to give myself space to grow and that it was safe and normal to ask for what I needed.

There is so much PEACE and stability that resides in a friendship without fear.

I’m just wondering today what could happen if I took a page out of my BFFs book and allowed my soul the luxury of loving others with the reckless abandon she loves me with.

I’m so grateful for my gnomie…