Hello old enemy…

I started off the New Year week with the worst and longest case of anxiety I have ever experienced. I dealt with depression a lot last year, but I had managed for forget about that anxious feeling I get in my chest (that shock of adrenaline) and then just SITS THERE and won’t go away. It was so severe that no amount of deep breathing could make it dissapate. It persisted for days and I could not eat. When I did force myself to eat, I would either involuntarily throw it up or it wouldn’t digest properly, and I would have a stomachache to go with that ache in my chest.

When this happens, sometimes the only relief I can get is through a very small dose of Ativan. I keep Ativan on hand for “emergencies.” If you’ve dealt with depression and anxiety in your own life, you may know what qualifies as an emergency for you. I made one bottle last over a year for myself, despite how trying 2018 was for me.

Yesterday I thought I was going to get out from under it. But today I’m back to feeling like I can’t eat, and the sky is going to fall. It’s hard to even relax enough to close my eyes. I feel like life is pressing in on me and it’s hard to breathe. And this is WITH Ativan. Every single text message dinging my phone makes adrenaline shock through my system. And, of course, there’s the worry that I’ll run out of Ativan before I’m able to get a new prescription for it. My new doctor (new insurance) wouldn’t write me the prescription, so I had to make a second appointment for this week.

I’m at a bit of a loss. The thing is, I’ve worked very hard to build a fortress of protection around myself. I have a tool box full of things to try to keep me propped up when I go through these times. I also have a husband who is the kindest man in the world and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me.

And then my brain starts to REALLY be an asshole. “If I can’t succeed in these circumstances, then how would I ever make it through if something else bad happens?!” And then my brain comes up with a list of things that are likely to happen and make everything even worse. Then…repeat.

It really pisses me off that there is so much of a chasm between people who are actively suffering with anxiety or depression and people who have NEVER had to deal with it. Sometimes even I get to feeling so good I can’t remember what it feels like to feel bad. I miss that. Just being here and existing sometimes is a struggle. But the other side of that is that life can also be the most amazing thing…full of hope and wonder and possibility. I just miss that feeling. I long to feel the freedom of being without worry.

I’ve been practicing meditation. It does help. Sitting in silence is difficult for me, so I got one of those apps that will talk to you a little and guide you through the process. It’s called Headspace, but there are many. Because my anxiety is situational (I have a very close relative who lives very far away and is very ill, and I am literally their only contact or support), I have to find a way to cope with it. Because I can’t just run away from it or avoid it and I have zero control over the situation, only how I react to it.

Wish me luck. This battle is certainly not for the faint of heart.